You say, God says

You Say, God Says For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it. –You say: “It’s impossible” God says: All things are possible… (Luke 18:27) –You say: “I’m too tired” God says: I will give you rest… (Matthew 11:28-30) –You say: “Nobody really loves me” God says: I love you… (John 3:16; John 13:34) –You say: “I can’t go on” God says: My grace is sufficient… (II Corinthians 12:9; Psalm 91:15) –You say: “I can’t figure things out” God says: I will direct your steps… (Proverbs 3:5-6) –You say: “I can’t do it” God says: You can do all things… (Philippians 4:13) –You say: “I’m not able” God says: I am able… (II Corinthians 9:8) –You say: “It’s not worth it” God says: It will be worth it… (Roman 8:28) –You say: “I can’t forgive myself” God says: I FORGIVE YOU… (I John 1:9; Romans 8:1) –You say: “I can’t manage” God says: I will supply all your needs… (Philippians 4:19) –You say: “I’m afraid” God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear… (II Timothy 1:7) –You say: “I’m always worried and frustrated” God says: Cast all your cares on ME… (I Peter 5:7) –You say: “I don’t have enough faith” God says: I’ve given everyone a measure of faith… (Romans 12:3) –You say: “I’m not smart enough” God says: I give you wisdom… (I Corinthians 1:30) –You say: “I feel all alone” God says: I will never leave you or forsake you… (Hebrews 13:5) Let our focus be, not on the negative things that we can say, but the positive promises that God has said and given to us.

hes a sheep…..or a coin…you pick

What is it about boys that can make a girl go crazy. That makes your toes curl, that make your stomache jump hoops? That makes you want to have that foot poppin old school kiss movie thing?  Why is it that all a boy can do is look you right in the eye…and then smile…all you want to do is grab him and kiss him?  To give you a little insight…..there is this boy….who I think I kinda like but im not one to rush things….if you know me at all you know what i mean.  I mean come on, I havent even been on a date or had a boyfriend or anything since…2003…and its 2008 you do the math. Now I know I shouldnt….but i do. Apparently I dont mask my feelings very well…because he knows. I dont actually see anything going anywhere. See the thing with me is this, I might feel away about someone…but I dont ever act on them…well…usually I dont. Because I dont feel I have anything to offer to the opposite sex, except…to be the bestest friend ever….and im good at it. This boy, is cute, no doubt. He is also a little dorky…which for some reason to me, is totally adorable…its true. He wears glasses, he laughs kinda cute/funny, and sometimes…he says things…and your like “what?” but like i said….i think its all cute. Its sad though…I will come across like I have confidence in myself….but I dont…at all. Now it has been well over 3 years since even the last time I have even kissed a boy…I dont even know if I remember how to now…lol…I hope its like riding a bike…anyways…this boy…I admire him. He doesnt know it but…he inspires me to be a better person. He has had some hard times. Now i have actually known of him since we were in high school…its funny we are nothing like how we are now. He was this skinny skinny, short little bowl cut blonde haired boy, who wore the biggest jeans possible JNCO as a matter a fact, and skated all of the time. Thats all I knew of him. Although we never talked in high school…i remembered him because i thought he was adorable then….well…i guess…it didnt change. Just so you know…he looks nothing like that now. Nothing. He wears fitted jeans, he is strong, has muscle now…his body has filled in. And last night he was wearing these dress slacks…that made his butt…..well…lets just say he needs to wear those pants daily!! He has shorter hair…but his laugh is still the same.  And that goofy kid that i remember is still inside this boy. Its amazing to see someone grow that much…well actually you have no idea. Like I said he got into some stuff, that was not so good for him….and now…he is trying to make his life better. And I couldnt be more proud. I look at him, and know he is the kind of person that I want to be around, the kind of person, that makes you feel like, you can do better….and you will. Like in Luke in the bible, “once was lost but now is found”, well thats him…he is the sheep who was lost, the coin that was found. To me it doesnt matter where you have been, but where you are going. And I see sooo much for him. I have no idea what is going to happen to us…other then…im glad that for whatever reason…he is in my life. I think God puts people in our lives at the exact right moment….maybe Gods intent was for us to help each other…in the funk that both of us have seemed to be in.

Those pretty girls in school that we hate….are now grown up…and still the pretty girls we hate

So when i was a kid in the 5th grade I met this girl…i will call her Angelina. So Angelina was new to my school…and she was beautiful and had everything anyone ever wanted!!  She had the best clothes…she had the best hair…and had every guy at that school wanting her to be thier girlfriend. But she was also fun…and this is why we became friends…because I myself am fun…or so I like to think so. So Angelina and I were completly different….but became great friends. And let me just fill you in on myself. I was first off the biggest tomboy you ever met. I wore Michael Jordan everything. Shoes, shirts, socks. And if it wasnt Michael Jordan…it was chicago bulls or Looney Tunes…or No fear gear….again whatever it was i looked like a frizzy haired boy. not cute at all. and I didnt try. So for the next couple of years we were seriously best of friends….and i was so jealous of her every minute….but i let it go…because jealousy is not a good thing to have. So time went by..and Angelina and I drifted apart…in fact years went by and we never talked. We were into different things. In high school she was a cheerleader….i was a singer and a thespian….after school i went to college….she got married…i still had no boyfriend….she had already had a divorce…i finally got my first boyfriend….she was getting married……so as you can see…..we were never in the same place. Now we are in are mid to late 20’s and we have seen each other here and there…and I have seen her with many different guys. But never friends again. So here is why I am writing. There is this guy…i will call him….Brad. Brad I met a couple of years ago. Brad is hot! And he plays the guitar, and he just as sweet as they come. Problem was, he had a girlfriend…so I wasnt even going to touch that. Im just not that kind of girl. So i become friends with the two of them, and Brad becomes my guitar player in my local church where I sang. And everytime I saw him…I had to remind myself….brad has a girlfriend….gweneth….thats his girlfriends suedo name. Anyways so a couple years go by and they break up. So i think…hey…maybe now i might have a chance with this guy…and I tried on many occasions….just to do something for him to notice me. And even his ex gweneth wanted me to ask him out…but i never did…..because i am a loser. And I have no self confidence in myself…at all….period. Not saying at all that anything would have happened…because…im like a 3 to his 11. lol. Anyways so I decide Im just going to get over this lame hump of mine, and talk to him….so I do…and i call him, and we talk and we have a date set to go get coffee…and im excited!!  Until….out of the clear blue….my long time friend writes me asking me about Brad….She has never met him…so i write back and I ask her why….she says that she thought it was fate that when she found his myspace…that I, her long long friend…who never has any happiness….was one of his top friends on myspace….and that I must tell her everything about brad…….so I grin and bear it…..and I tell her…everything about Brad…how amazing he is…how cute he is…how I smile everytime Im around him….but I tell her….because I know…that he will like her….she is still gorgeous….and I am still…well me. Now dont get me wrong…I dont look like how I used to…I try now….I shave my legs…hahaha….But now Brad and Angelina are getting married!!!  yeah…they met not even 2 months ago!!  And now they are getting married!!  So I call brad…in fact i just got off the phone with him…to see WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON???? and he thanks me….for helping them get together….and tells me he has never been happier!!  I never got a chance….and he is telling me about these things that she does!!  And I do it too!!  …..he just never noticed it when I did it….So again I am trying to be happy for him…and her…again….marriage..3…so I asked “when are you getting married?” he says…”Oh its on November 2nd! And I want you there!” so at this point my stomach bottoms out…..thanks brad I will be there! Im really happy for you two!! I say with a smile…..I hang up the phone…..my birthday is November 2nd…..what a crappy birthday this will be…..i think im going to be sick…..but I have no one to blame but myself….but to the other ugly girls out there….sometimes…friend or not….dont you just want to take your pretty friend and shave all thier hair off, give them pimples, and make them fat??  That way for at least for a day, you feel better about yourself??  grr….no….I really am happy for them….

 

People take advantage of nice people like me

So Im at work today, and my manager pulls me aside…and i hear the ever popular phrase, “your in trouble, lets talk.” It seems like lately this is happening all the time anymore. Ok, so she tells me there is a customer complaint. The complaint is this. This customer called in to complain about a teller that wouldnt give her, her daughters account number so that she could get her daughter out of the negative on her bank account. Its the law…we cannot give any information away.  Why is it that people are still shocked that we can’t do this?????? So the customer comes back in a couple days later with her daughter and all the other Von Trap kids and wants to complain how now her daughter has overdraft fees on her account. So of course being the nice person I am, I help her. I do know these customers on a personal level as well. After opening up the moms and the daughters account, I started seeing them every where…including my gym where I work out weekly. So thats why the only one they wanted to see and talk to was me. They say that I am the only one who understands them, and there needs to be more people like m. I said how sorry i was about the fees…yadda yadda….you should keep a ledger….blah blah…why are you in this situation again…blah blah…got the manager involved customers are upset….yadda yadda…customer still upset and we will not wave the fees…..ok..ok…so here is where the major turn comes in. The daughter says “well i dont want this to happen again, put my mom on my account.” I suggested against this, (mom is still learning how to use the account herself, single mom, 5 kids, poor poor poor), and anything the mom may do on her account, could in return hurt her daughters account being a co cowner. I was trying to protect her. So the daughter changed her mind, and with the two of them, they decided to just let mom have the account number that way, she would never have this problem again…….DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!! 

Couple weeks later a.k.a……TODAY!!!  i get the “your in trouble” talk to find out, that the mom tells all of my above bosses about how i am giving the account number away, and that i have done this all along, and that I have known this family forever……JUST SO THEY CAN GET OUT OF FEES!!!!!  really?? The first time I ever met either of them is the day they stopped by my office, and then just like i do with all of my customers I talk to them, make them feel important, and find ways to help them financially….and i do a great job with this.  I did all this for them??  and now…..they totally have no idea what they did!!  and Im prob getting fired now! Prob…is more..like…a just waiting for the day when district walks in that door…and I get another, “your in trouble” talk….and I the sad thing is…i didnt do anything…and she is just saying that to get out of fees…..bullshit parade.  My word against a customers….and how am I to prove my innocence??  Im not…..so I guess I am just going to be on the unemployment train once again……I just want to move away.  And never see that horrible family again.

And now I have to join another gym.  shoot….more fees… and another job

Labels

 I looked through my high school year book the other day…and picture after picture are classmates that i was a kid with. Most I see about the town, some have moved on most are on my myspace…but I find myself labeling everyone…..shes a mama…he’s a meth addict….that guy died…this girl is in jail….seemed like everyone good or bad, I had something to say about them…and  then I looked at myself….I dont have anything….what would someone say about me. Im not a mama, ive never done drugs, I have never been in jail…I wonder what they would say?  I know what I would want them to say, I would have them say, “hey theres Katrina, that girl is smiling everytime i see her. And she always has a great time no matter what the situation. Never judging, and you can see God shinning through her everyday!!!”  I think that would be the best label ever!!  oh and there is one more…they would say, “That Katrina she has the best fashion style, and the best voice ever!!!  lol”   ok ok…so Im a hopeful as well…what can I say! 

 

Pregnant or an Alcoholic?

I cant believe people sometimes….seriously!!!!  Yes this has happened before…but ususally people when I tell them…”nope sorry not prego…im just fat” they at least back off and feel stupid and change the subject….but not norman, I will call him Norman to protect his identity…he looks like a Norman, but Norman says to me “so when are you due?” “im not Norman, Im just fat…no baby.” “No baby….but you look pregnant.” “I assure you I am not pregnant….Im just fat!” And while I am telling him this….he is staring at my stomache…..just staring…….and wont stop. So I ask, “what else can I help you with today?”  And at this point…i thoght he would just back off…..but oh no….not at all. What he says next will really make you laugh…..”You know what they call that dont you”, he says while pointing at my stomach, “They call that a beer belly! haha.” As I stood there looking at Norman, who just first called me fat and that I look Pregnant, but now he is accusing me of being such an alcoholic that I have “beer belly”, I couldnt help but notice how everything about him was absolutly gross as hell. Norman is a man about…50 ish…..60 ish…bald, fat fat fat, has random huge ass moles on his face, smells like the urine that he bathes with, and not to mention the chewing tobacco that was spitting out of his mouth when he talks, pieces where flying on to my destk…that was already on his lips and his teeth(you know it makes you want to puke). “no Norman, its not a beer belly either, I hardly drink, and I have never been a big drinker, not a beer belly…I am just fat.” And here is where he had his chance again to quit…but not Norman….”So you like food them huh(as he winks) stuff yourself full daily? Never leave anything on the plate? Yeah you like food.” ” No norman, like everyone in the world I like food….but ask those who know me, they will tell you….I eat less then anyone.  (and by the looks of it, it looks like he has always had more then his share. Have you ever seen Seven, the glutton guy….thats Norman.  So here is where I walk away and say goodbye to Norman, the man who obviously couldnt keep his mouth shut, and his opinions to himself.

 

 

 

Dont give up, you are loved

You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)

Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy I
I will lift it for youDon’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I
I will break it for youEverybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up

Because you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt that you hide
When you’re lost inside I
I’ll be there to find you

Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Everybody needs to be loved
Don’t give up

Because…you are loved

Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world

Don’t give up
Everyone needs to be loved

You are loved

Everybody wants to be understood

Wow, so it has been sometime since my fingers led me to wonderful place i call….my blog. I have been very busy lately. So busy, that I have had no time for anyone, not even myself.  Im in yet another tough spot in my life right now. Worse then before even. Nothing is where I want it to be. I just have to remember to stay positive, and that it will get better. I know it will. It will take a long long time, and even though I cry myself to sleep, I just have to keep telling myself…..dont give up, because you are loved. I am, I am loved. I have wonderful parents that love me, and I am so thankful for that. I know that God loves me.  I am crying now. Pretty soon, I will have nothing left for my tears.  I just, cant wait until the weight of this world is off of my shoulders. I carry everything with me everyday. My problems, my roomates problems, my parents problems. Everything.  I feel so much better now that I have moved out with my best friend….or at least I should feel much better. But its almost not worth it. I would almost rather live with my parents again, at least there, I would have people that would want to be around me, and want to do something. I never see him, and when I do, we fight, really fight, all the time.  I work 70+ hours a week, for him and I. He works…around 12-15 hrs a week. It frustrates me so much, that he has things so easy, if he needs money, he can get it with out even trying. Me…..I have to get the 2nd job, and work my ass off, so that way I can pay bills. And then I come home late at night, and no one is home….and yet again, I am alone. He is out having fun with the friends that I used to have, that never talk to me anymore, and none of them ever ask me to do anything with them, even in the times when I am not working.  He wants me to give my dog to my mom when she moves away….but I feel that he is all I have, and I take good care of him. I bring him to my moms on my double shift days, so he is not alone.  And I know he loves me….and I need that right now….to feel loved. Sometimes, I feel like, my life will be like this forever….but I just have to remember that this will end. One day, I will feel free, and I will have my life back.  And  when I smile, it will be because I am happy, and not forced.  I dont want to fight anymore, I just want to feel, happy.  When you are young, you feel happy all the time, and I took that for granite. I look back, and the troubles I had then….I laugh at now.  I feel hidden in my body, like I walk around in a shell, never being able to be myself.  I want to sing. But I have no time. I want friends. But I have no time. I want to act. But I have no time. I want to help people. But I first have to help myself. Stay positive katrina, I have to say over and over, other wise, one day, I will fall, and I will not get back up.  My dream, I see it, I want it, yet it seems so far away, and unattainable. I see others reach it, but its so far away.  I just want my stage and my mic. Dont give up, dont give up. One day….one day…..dont give up Katrina, its jus the hurt that you hide. Dont give up, you are loved.

The Pursuit of Happiness

What will it take? What will it honestly take to make me happy? What am I missing….why do I feel so imcomplete.  Things honestly are going really great for me right now. Really….I mean I have a great job…two actually…Im moving into a new place, I just bought new furniture, I just got a brand new car.  But why….why when i lay my head on my pillow at night, I feel….something….a huge something….is missing….Im not happy.  And its not depression, not that at all….I just…know…that there is something…that I am supposed to have, but I dont. I must find it…this is starting to sound funny…i know…hehehe….but seriously.  I am a very happy person, I really am…but I still feel…like Im not complete. Its kinda like buying a new car, you love the way it looks, the way it smells, how big the engine is…you will still be very happy, but not as happy as you would be….even only you had gas to put in it.  hehe…not saying that I want gas or anything..    But you know what I mean.  One day I will find it….one day……

Beauty