Posts filed under: ‘sad things‘
Everybody wants to be understood
Wow, so it has been sometime since my fingers led me to wonderful place i call….my blog. I have been very busy lately. So busy, that I have had no time for anyone, not even myself. Im in yet another tough spot in my life right now. Worse then before even. Nothing is where I want it to be. I just have to remember to stay positive, and that it will get better. I know it will. It will take a long long time, and even though I cry myself to sleep, I just have to keep telling myself…..dont give up, because you are loved. I am, I am loved. I have wonderful parents that love me, and I am so thankful for that. I know that God loves me. I am crying now. Pretty soon, I will have nothing left for my tears. I just, cant wait until the weight of this world is off of my shoulders. I carry everything with me everyday. My problems, my roomates problems, my parents problems. Everything. I feel so much better now that I have moved out with my best friend….or at least I should feel much better. But its almost not worth it. I would almost rather live with my parents again, at least there, I would have people that would want to be around me, and want to do something. I never see him, and when I do, we fight, really fight, all the time. I work 70+ hours a week, for him and I. He works…around 12-15 hrs a week. It frustrates me so much, that he has things so easy, if he needs money, he can get it with out even trying. Me…..I have to get the 2nd job, and work my ass off, so that way I can pay bills. And then I come home late at night, and no one is home….and yet again, I am alone. He is out having fun with the friends that I used to have, that never talk to me anymore, and none of them ever ask me to do anything with them, even in the times when I am not working. He wants me to give my dog to my mom when she moves away….but I feel that he is all I have, and I take good care of him. I bring him to my moms on my double shift days, so he is not alone. And I know he loves me….and I need that right now….to feel loved. Sometimes, I feel like, my life will be like this forever….but I just have to remember that this will end. One day, I will feel free, and I will have my life back. And when I smile, it will be because I am happy, and not forced. I dont want to fight anymore, I just want to feel, happy. When you are young, you feel happy all the time, and I took that for granite. I look back, and the troubles I had then….I laugh at now. I feel hidden in my body, like I walk around in a shell, never being able to be myself. I want to sing. But I have no time. I want friends. But I have no time. I want to act. But I have no time. I want to help people. But I first have to help myself. Stay positive katrina, I have to say over and over, other wise, one day, I will fall, and I will not get back up. My dream, I see it, I want it, yet it seems so far away, and unattainable. I see others reach it, but its so far away. I just want my stage and my mic. Dont give up, dont give up. One day….one day…..dont give up Katrina, its jus the hurt that you hide. Dont give up, you are loved.
Add a comment July 21, 2007
The Pursuit of Happiness
What will it take? What will it honestly take to make me happy? What am I missing….why do I feel so imcomplete. Things honestly are going really great for me right now. Really….I mean I have a great job…two actually…Im moving into a new place, I just bought new furniture, I just got a brand new car. But why….why when i lay my head on my pillow at night, I feel….something….a huge something….is missing….Im not happy. And its not depression, not that at all….I just…know…that there is something…that I am supposed to have, but I dont. I must find it…this is starting to sound funny…i know…hehehe….but seriously. I am a very happy person, I really am…but I still feel…like Im not complete. Its kinda like buying a new car, you love the way it looks, the way it smells, how big the engine is…you will still be very happy, but not as happy as you would be….even only you had gas to put in it. hehe…not saying that I want gas or anything.. 
But you know what I mean. One day I will find it….one day……
4 comments April 6, 2007
The worst thing I ever saw
It was friday afternoon when I got the call,”you better get up to Washington today, we
Add a comment October 22, 2006
Someone from my past
I was thinkin the other, bout how much time has past. Memories that you have forgetton about me, you found want you were looking for at last. I wasnt the one you wanted, your heart was never mine, I just wish you would have been honest, we could have saved some time. I tried to forget you, the way you forgot about me, but then I see your picture, you smiling with your new family. Your wife she looks so pretty, your son just the same, its funny you know, I always thought, I was the one who would have your name. Im glad that you are happy now, even though friends we will never be, Ive tried but its different now, I feel that Im finally free. It was always clear we were never “meant to be”, but your friendship I guess meant so much more to me. This is my fairwell, this time goodbye is forever, I have forgiven you for the things you have done, ties I want to sever. I wish you goodluck my old friend, with your life to come, I will always love you, but its over now its done.
1 comment October 20, 2006
They say she is fading fast
There is a person in my life, who has never been there for me or my family. She has never attempted to be a part of my family. In fact every time that myself or my family tried to get closer to her….she would rant and rave and say horrible things……I dont love her……but I should…she is my Grandma after all. But I dont. All I know her to be is a drunk and an evil woman. Just recently when she learned the outcome of her life, did she decide to make amends of all the hurtful things she has done. “I love you” she tells me. Does she really? She knows my name…she has my blood….But does she really love me? She doesnt know a single thing about me. How am I supposed to react to that. I dont hate her. But I dont love her. And I feel soo bad about that. News came my way today, that she may only have days left….I never knew her. And there is so much I wish I could have talked to her about. She is my only living Grandparent. Its not fair. I cant leave to go and see her this weekend, and even if I could what would I say. Should I call her and lie and say ” I love you back?” There is no amends to make….Im not mad at her. And pride is not whats getting in the way. She is a stranger to me. Thats sad you know. All my friends they tell how much they love there grandparents and they did this, and that. I honestly dont remember a single thing she has done for me. All those years not a single Birthday card. Not a single, lets just go out and have fun day. Not a single anything. I feel bad because she knows whats comming. Each day it gets more and more painful. She cries out in pain, “why cant I just die, so this will all go away?” It makes me want to cry. What do you say to a dying woman is who is my grandmother, who is but a stranger to me?
2 comments October 20, 2006
